the modern woman's guide to surviving cancellation
you've been cancelled. now what?
you’ll never forget your first time. riding a bicycle, going viral, experiencing the collective wrath of the internet. as someone who’s been cancelled three times and have survived, i’m here to guide you through this dark and confusing time.
let’s start with the positives. getting “cancelled” is ironically a huge compliment. that means enough people are paying attention to you that your faux pas is cause of national concern. most people make mistakes under the radar, in secret or in front of friends that laugh it off. not you, you are lucky enough to be held to a godlike standard of perfection that your mistakes warrant critical analysis, online discourse and dinner table discussions. you’re a big deal.
second, you’re now officially part of one of the oldest clubs in the world: women who dared open their mouths. since the dawn of time, women have been unfairly chastised for their opinions. remember, the worst thing a man can do is kill someone, but the worst thing a woman can do is be annoying. you, my friend, have committed the unforgivable crime of being cringe. lucky for you, it was bound to happen.
like death, cancellation is inevitable as a woman in the public eye. people already do not like you for what you are, so they will jump at even the smallest indiscretion to air out their anger at your existence. “i never liked her anyway,” is a comment i got a lot. you’ll probably get that too.
now before you jump to conclusions, here is how to know a cancellation is brewing:
-your notifications are filled with negative comments, replies, quote tweets, stitches, etc.
-your DMs are flooded with demands for accountability and personal attacks
-large accounts are condemning you
fear not! a cancellation does not mean the end of the world. depending how you handle it, it’ll just be a wave of criticism until the internet finds its next subject. but when you’re going through it, it feels like the hardest thing in the world and is absolutely impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
so here is what i need you to do:
DO NOT CHECK THE COMMENTS
… is someone who has never posted anything will say. of course you’re going to check the comments. that’s like telling a chef to put her cooking on the table and turn around. you’re going to read and obsess and internalize every horrible thing said about you.
but give yourself a limited time of doing this, maybe a minute tops. you just want to assess the situation and get a gauge on what exactly you did or said that made people upset. anything more than this is self-harm and you don’t deserve that.
human beings were never meant to know the thoughts of everyone in the world, much less their thoughts about you.
TO DELETE OR NOT TO DELETE
during one of my cancellations, i caught the negative comments pouring in within 20 minutes of me posting. the views were not very high and i thought of deleting. but here is what you have to consider:
if you delete the post, people will say you’re avoiding accountability. if you keep it up, people will say you’re standing by an incorrect, offensive take. pick your poison.
i did end up keeping that one up, as i do with all my videos. something i have promised myself is to never be ashamed of my mistakes. i have a duty to my followers to not sell them an image of perfection and talent since birth. everything i have achieved has been a result of being cringe.
DO NOT RESPOND OR POST TO ANYTHING
the thing people do not understand is, for them, it is a two-way conversation. they comment something or DM you, and expect you to respond. in 2 seconds they’ll scroll away from your post and forget what even happened.
that’s not the case for you. your inbox is flooded with such comments which makes it impossible to be rational.
right now you are in defense mode, and that is understandable. no matter how warranted people are in their criticism, when they are flooding your inbox and calling you names and telling you to k*ll y**rself, you are absolutely not thinking damn maybe i was wrong. only an enlightened saint would do that. you want to wring their necks.
and so it’s best to stay quiet. no matter how strong the urge, do not respond to it.
RELY ON A FRIEND / FAMILY MEMBER / PARTNER
the first time i got cancelled, i was on a trip to my hometown of austin texas with my boyfriend. i hadn’t been home in four years because of the pandemic and was dreaming of returning. even more than that, i’d been talking about austin non-stop to him and i was so excited to show him the place i grew up. let me just say it’s incredibly hard to stroll down memory lane when you’ve become a tiktok trend. my phone was always on my mind, my heart was continually heavier than a stone.
but i was lucky i had him. i’d give him my phone to scroll through the comments and sift through the hate vs. actual criticism. i’d ask him for the report: what are people upset about? have the comments gone down? are videos discussing me showing on the fyp? and he’d tell me.
also, if you are big enough to get cancelled, you’re big enough to know people who have been cancelled. rely on them for support. my strongest support systems were other content creators, especially political ones.
“unfortunately with political content, you never know what the line is until you cross it.” - my content creator friend who has a pretty large platform.
TO APOLOGIZE OR NOT?
after a while, you might be inclined to apologize just to stop the madness. but sometimes, an apology can read as you bending to the will of your audience. it’s a tricky - if not impossible - line to toe. cue america ferrera speech.
“and it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.” - america ferrera, barbie (2023)
my first cancellation i had made a genuine error. i spoke lightheartedly about a news topic that required seriousness. at first i wanted to yell at people for not understanding my character, and that i’m trying to do a deep thing by playing on people’s perceptions of bimbos and turning it into a smart and informed take. but this wasn’t the time. i thought about when jon stewart broke character in 2012 to address the sandy hook shooting. some things are so terrible they require pure, raw unfiltered humanity. i apologized.
the most recent time i got cancelled, i doubled down. this time a very loud chunk of people were upset at me but i believed in my soul that my opinion was not wrong. in that moment i felt like azealia banks. you can’t get rid of me!
however, something i always, always do is address the situation. apology or not.
a big part of why people follow content creators is that they have more of a connection with us than celebrities. they can talk to us in the comments, give us ideas on what to post about. my followers are heavily involved in my process. to have a scandal occur and me not addressing it in some way would be a grave disservice. whether you apologize or stand by your post, you have to address it.
but whatever you do, do not rush this process. process your emotions, approach it when the storm has calmed.
5.5… CANCELLATIONS LOOK DIFFERENT ON EACH PLATFORM
a tiktok cancellation is the worst. if you get in trouble here, you’ll be the topic of conversation on everyone’s fyp. you won’t be able to escape the mention of your name for weeks. the algorithm loves a takedown.
an instagram cancellation is less cohesive, because reels is less cohesive. the worst of it will be in your comments. turn them off if it helps.
i don’t use other platforms enough to know what they look like, but the type of platform can inform how you move forward. i imagine a twitter cancellation is heinous, but at the same time gives you more of an opportunity to control the narrative.
TAKE A STEP BACK AND ENJOY YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK
it’s in god’s hands now.
if you made an apology, no matter how sincere, there will be people upset about it. that’s okay, don’t do another one. and if you stood by your post, there will be people upset about it. but in my experience here, most people will agree with you. cause most people can’t argue with confidence.
now wait for it to blow over. it always will. the internet will always find its next target. in the mean time take care of yourself. i started going to therapy more because the feeling of opening my comments had turned into a physiological response, resulting in breathlessness and my heart beating like crazy.
laugh with your friends, eat somewhere nice, spend time outside and revel in the fact that a beautiful, caring world exists outside your phone. i can confidently say that out of all the mean comments you got, not one of those people would dare say that to your face. so that’s what you do: only interact with people face to face.
***
being cancelled was one of the hardest, scariest experience of my life. it felt like the years i spent crafting an online universe i love so much was gone forever. i felt like i failed everyone. it took me weeks for my social media to stop shadowbanning me (this will happen, a ton of people will report you) and it took months - if not years - to stop the knot in my chest before hitting post. to be honest it still kinda exists.
but no matter how hard it feels, no matter how much you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, do not stop posting. your work is important and you have impacted people’s lives. you are the reason someone gained a new passion, left a bad relationship, spoke out about something they were previously scared to.
there are so few women in the world with a platform and to lose you would have devastating consequences to the world. you have changed people’s lives you’ve never even met. the bad news is that you got cancelled. but the good news is you’re part of an ever-growing community that knows what you’re going through and stands by you.
and now that you have survived, you’ll be able to help the next woman in need. that was what kept me going.
“the most controversial thing i’ve done is stick around.” - madonna